Ashes to Ashes
by Rose G
Summary: I always thought I was a hero - when it come to it, I was a coward, who run away and left him to die. Smithy's point of view through the fire and afterwards. Spoilers for non-UK viewers.


Ashes to Ashes

Rose G

Disclaimer - All characters, settings are the property of Thames TV

A / N - Spoilers for non-UK viewers.

He can't die, I won't let him die. Only gotta get the cuff undone and he'll be free. Can do that.

'Go away, Smithy! Just get everyone else out. Now.'

'No!' Oh God, sweet Jesus, his wrist's snapped and he's trapped; he can't undo the cuff in that much pain and I can't get there.

'Get out - get out!'

'Ken! You've gotta get out, quick.'

'No, no - the fire's burning. Smithy, go!' He's lost control, screaming and crying in horror and fear, not even trying to escape anymore. I can smell him - sweat and urine and petrol.

'Go!'

His last coherent word and I turn away in terror, running away, leaving him to die alone. _I run away. _He still might get out.

'Ken!' I scream that so loud that I choke on blood as the world explodes; I'm in Ulster again, years back in my life.

It hurts, it hurts, oh God, I can't move and it's hot, so hot all around me. I'm gonna die here. Get it off me, off my legs. I can't move and I can't feel but it hurts so much. Get them out, June. Just get them all out, don't let 'em die.

I'm dying. I can't breathe. 'Kerry' I try to say and I retch, breathing in and chewing on smoke. Ker, I love you but you shouldn't be here, you're dead and I'm not, unless this is Hell and you shouldn't be there. My Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name... Dear God, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna live in a bloody wheelchair. Ken, if I'd stayed with you, I'd've died by now, it'd be okay. I would have stayed with you to the end but ..._you left him to die. _

My leg's gone, it's broken. I can't get away, can't escape. I'm burning; it's got in my hair, the flames, licking at my clothes. Oh God, oh God help me please and I start mouthing fragments of every prayer I've ever known, and I'm crying now as well. Soundless tears. I haven't got the breathe to sob. I can't breathe.

I'm scared, terrified - wish I had a gun in my hand. Don't know what I'd shoot but wouldn't be so scared. I'm scared - I'm dying - God, I want to die alone because they'll die if they come to save me. Won't come to save me.

I'm flying, like I always wanted to and it doesn't hurt but my legs are crushed and I'm burning and my lungs are clogged with smoke. And I'm so, so scared and Kerry's standing there, and she's crying because she's pleased to see me and I'm crying because I'm scared and I've missed her so much and I can't go to her because I'm scared.

It's dark, and they say sound is the last to go, but I can smell still. Smell myself burning; Kerry was in Heaven and I'm dying and I can't fly anymore. I rest, in peace, and know nothing.

'Smithy!'

The world's back in colour - all leaping reds and oranges - and with sound and it's Gabriel. Standing over me and I always said I'd die before I'd let him touch me, but God in Heaven, I don't want to die. He's a killer and a rapist, he's got no reason to help me, but...

'Gabriel! Help!' I can only whisper and I don't even hear the words above the fire, yet he's looking at me. Laughing, standing in the smoke and luaghing like a madman.

'Help me.' Soundless mouthing.

More of that mad laughing. He's a demon, a devil, we've both died and gone to Hell for what I've done - _I run away -_ and the only difference is that he's mad and I'm not.

'Smithy, look, it's okay, gonna get you out of this. It's okay, it's alright, going to be fine, promise.' The same things I told Ken, lied to him, and Gabriel's lying to me. I had to lie to Ken, to ease his passing. _He told me to leave him. _

'Andrea?' I say it aloud and he doesn't listen.

'It's okay, you're fine, look, let me get this off o' your legs.' And the bastard that killed Ker, he lifts some of it off my legs, hissing when it burns him, then sees the flames close to my hip and beats it down.

'Andrea?' Please, Gabriel.

'No, don't, Smithy. It's okay, it's alright, mate, Sarge... Gonna be okay.'

He's got everything off of my legs. His touch makes me feel sick. I keep my eyes open but it's dark, so dark and peaceful, cool, then he slaps me on the face and I'm so angry that he's pulled me back twice now. I stand to try and fight back, with his arm around my waist. Hit him.

Pain. Just pain, exploding all around me and in me. All the colours swirl and I'm not flying now, I'm falling, but he won't let me fall.

Is it me screaming? Yes. And this time, sound's the last to go and I scream as my leg collapses and I hear the crack.

Some-one's there and it isn't Gabriel and it isn't Kerry so I let them take me and I'm still screaming and then it's black, and I think I've died and I'm glad because I'm flying again. And the little voice is saying _you run away. _


End file.
